Chambres Détachées et des Armoires
by CiaoManhattan
Summary: In the land of Spare Oom, Peter realises that he must give up the one thing he truley desires, his brother Edmund. Set between LWW and PC. Warnings: Incest, Slash.
1. Chapter One

_Disclaimer:__ The Chronicles of Narnia do not belong to me and I gain no profit from writing in the universe. All credit for character creation goes to C.._

_Warning:__ Incest, slash, underage characters. If any of this offends you then please do not read._

_AN:__ I've decided to with the ages they were in the movie version as I think the story wouldn't particularly work with Edmund and Peter at 10 and 13. I think it would probably become a bit perverse and not really enjoyable to read or to write. _

_This story takes place between LWW and PC but also concerns it's self with the story of LWW as the story of how the brothers fell in love is also told alongside what happens back in England._

_I hope you enjoy_

_An introduction of sorts:_

Four pairs of feet shuffled against the once snow covered floor, trying to keep upright in the suddenly cramped conditions. The harsh bristle of the fur branches and the cold tickle of the snow were replaced by soft, elegant strokes of material and hard, smooth wood. Before they had time to entertain wonders of how a snow dusted clearing in the middle of a crisp, sun illuminated forest had, without any warning, become cramped, dark and dank, they found themselves unceremoniously catapulted through a small wooden door and onto the hard floor of a distant yet familiar room. Apart from a large, ornate, mahogany wardrobe, the room was barren of furniture yet filled to the brim with a cascade of light that flowed from the ceiling high, leaded windows. In a matter of seconds, confusion gave way to horror and then finally realization as they caught sight of each other's faces.

"Spare Oom", Said Lucy in a voice they hadn't heard for over a decade.

The thick, opaque fog that had long shrouded memories of a time before Narnia was slowly dissipating and each remembered their mother, the war, the professor and the need to hide from a poor tempered house keeper that all lead to fifteen years ruling a wonderland.

"There's no need for anyone to panic, we just need to get back in the wardrobe ", Peter said in the most authoritative voice he could muster at fifteen.

"Pete…I don't think it works like that", Edmunds voice barley audible and laced with sadness.

"Of course it does, look how many times Lucy's been through it. We just need to get back in and….", Peter climbed back into the wardrobe, bursting with determination, silencing the screaming doubt that Edmund was right and this wasn't a forever open door they could waltz in and out of as they pleased.

The other three siblings waited with baited breath as they listened to the faint sounds of Peter's feet against the bottom of the wardrobe, his arms brushing the rows of fur coats aside and his hands searching the back of the wardrobe.

Edmund could think of a thousand sarcastic comments to aim at his brother but at that moment, berating his refusal to give up seemed wrong. They both knew things were about to change in a way neither was prepared for and he couldn't quite find it in himself to judge Peter for not giving up as easily as he had.

Peters blonde head remerged from the wardrobe with an unreadable expression. As the oldest sibling and High King, he felt he ought to take charge.

"I suppose this is just Aslan's will and we just need to make the best of it and just get along. I mean we were doing perfectly fine before Narnia and I'm sure we'll be fine now…" He broke off, knowing he was lying.

"Look, I say we should ask the professor, he believed Lucy when no one else did and anyway I think he probably knows more about that wardrobe than he let on". Susan said, taking over where Peter left off.

In silent agreement, the other three got up and followed Susan out of the door, along the corridor and to the large, heavy wooden door that concealed the professor's study. Susan knocked lightly on the door, praying to Aslan that he'd be elsewhere as her confidence in her own plan faltered.

"Come in" the aged voice greeted and following Susan, as earlier, they entered the room.

The professor sat in a large, plush, red velvet chair at a long hard wood table, piled high with leather bound books and papers that looked of great importance. Each of the siblings felt a pinch of nostalgia as they had owned rooms like this back in Cair Paravel.

For a moment they were dumb struck at what to say, unable to articulate the magnitude of what they had to explain to the professor.

Eventually Lucy piped up, "You know that wardrobe in your Spare Oom?" she said, unable to lose the Narnian pronunciation, "There's a country in it…"

"I see, and I think probably I owe you an explanation", the professor sighed, his voice deep with wisdom and understanding.

Over the next few hours the professor told a story from his own youth, one of him and a girl named Polly. He explained how a seed from an enchanted tree in far off land grew in English soil and became the wardrobe in the spare room.

"Peter did try to get back through the wardrobe, but it was like we'd never been there, like a normal wardrobe", Susan explained, hoping that the professor may be able to give them a way back to their home.

"You'll never get back through the same way twice", he said with a knowing look in his eye, as though he himself had tried many times, " You will go back, mark my word you'll go back, but it won't be on your terms, It'll be on his. The best thing you can do is stop looking and let it find you. Don't lose faith and remember it's all for a reason"

_Chapter One:_

The night was drawing in as Edmund crept, bare foot across the stone floor of the mansion. The four of them had long since been sent to bed by Mrs. Macready in an overzealous fit of ridding the house of children but Edmund had lay beneath the quilts, patently waiting for his chance. When he was sure the house had fallen into a deep slumber, he inched his way out of bed and across the room, easing the door open and slipping through like an apparition.

The four rooms allocated to them were all along the same corridor so luckily for Edmund he only had to tip toe down the landing to get to his brothers bedroom. He debated knocking on the door but surely he thought Peter would be just as anxious to see him, in fact he was surprised he hadn't caught Peter in the act of sneaking down the corridor to his room. There was no hesitation as he pushed Peters door open, trying and failing in his enthusiasm to be silent.

"Ed…?" Peter whispered with a confused expression. The elder boy was sat up in bed, staring at his brother with worry.

"There's no way I'd sleep on my own without you and I knew you'd feel the same so I thought I'd come down to your room. I thought I'd see you trying to sneak to my room as well but I guess you must have heard me banging about and thought not"

Edmund gave his older brother a beaming smile as he walked across the plush rug alongside Peter's bed. Had he not been so utterly caught up in his own exuberance at finally having some alone time with Peter he may have noticed the slight delay in the returning smile, the almost guarded look in his eyes.

"Budge up Pete, there's no room for me. You'd think I'd come here just to stand in the middle of the floor" He laughed, wondering why Peter could be so slow at times.

"Ed, we can't do this, not here"

"What d'ya mean? I'm getting cold so can you please quit messing about and just let me in with you"

"We're back in England", Peter tried to rationalize "People won't understand. You're my brother for Christ sake Ed. Think about it; think about what they'd do to us if they found out. Really think about it"

"I don't care…I love you", His voice barley reached Peters ears. He thought things would be different, but not like this. He thought maybe they'd have to be a bit more subtle, wait till they were behind closed doors and that had saddened him enough but never did he for even a second think Peter could be planning this.

"Come on, you're not stupid. You've seen it with your own eyes. At school, with the boys who everyone thought were 'queer'. You know what happened to them. And not only are you a boy Ed, you're my brother! My own brother!"

"It's never seemed to bother you before so I don't see why it should now. And Lucy and Susan will stick up for us, we won't be alone"

"Have you returned to your thirteen year old brain as well as your thirteen year old body", Peter half shouted, slamming his fists into the mattress in exasperation. Surely Ed wasn't that slow, surely he understood that it wasn't possible here. Peter looked at his brother, cotton pajamas hanging from his small frame, dark hair curling into his over brimming eyes. He couldn't bare anyone hurting him, especially knowing it was his own fault.

"Edmund" His voice became gentle again, trying to sooth his brothers upset and to hide his own. "I've got no doubt Lucy would support us but do you honestly want to drag her into this? And as for Susan, you know how hard it's been trying to win her round. She's probably sat up in bed now worrying herself half to death that everyone will think she has perverts for brothers"

"Screw Susan and screw everyone else! I love you, I really do. You can't mean this, I know you love me Pete, I know it". Tears were streaming down Edmunds face as he lost all composure. He had tried to hold it together like his brother but it was no use. He stuck in the hormone filled, irrational body of a thirteen year old and that just made everything harder. He could feel Peter's eyes on him and he felt pathetic. Here he was, falling apart and Peter was calm and collected and perfect Peter Pevensie.

Peter shuffled across the small bed, making room for Edmund. He lifted up the sheets for his brother to get in.

"Alright, this once you can stop with me. But that's it. It's not happening again".

The authority and patronizing edge returned to Peter's voice and he sounded just as he had before they had climbed through the rows of fur coats. He was ordering Edmund about and he knew it. It was only a matter of time before they were back to their old ways Edmund thought. But right there and then he was too distressed and missed Peter far too much to turn down the offer.

Edmund scrambled awkwardly into the hard single bed alongside his brother, his limbs loosing the grace they had developed as an adult. He curled up in Peter's arms and let himself be soothed by soft strokes of his hair and gentle words of reassurance.

"Don't worry Ed" Peter whispered, wiping the stray tears from the younger's blotchy checks. "It'll all be fine, you trust me. I love you, you know. And we'll go back one day. But we just need to patient, that's all. Wait until we can be ourselves again. Just you wait and see, I bet Aslan's cooking up a way to get us back there as we speak. It'll all have been a big miss understanding, you'll see. We'll be home before you know it…" Peter looked down at Edmund and slowly placed a chaste kiss on his forehead and earned a small smile and contented sigh. As the comforting words spilled effortlessly from his lips, his brain wandered back to a time before Narnia.

Peter had always cared about Edmund in a way he'd never cared about anyone else. It had been that way since the very moment they had met. Peter had been a toddler, waiting for their mother to bring home the baby that had been living her tummy for what felt like forever. To say Peter wasn't excited about it was an understatement. He already had to share with Susan and she was no fun to play with and cried all the time and everyone paid her more attention and he was sure it would only get worse with another sister.

When his mother walked through the door holding in her arms a tiny buddle, swathed in cloth, Peter didn't join Susan in trying to hobble over and peak inside the blankets. But with some gentle coaxing from his mother, Peter too found himself peeking into the soft sheets. And what he saw their surprised him hugely. Instead of the little tiny girl baby he'd been expecting, he saw the big, brown and unmistakably male eyes of his new little brother. Although he was only a big as his mothers forearm, Peter saw in him the play mate he'd never had, someone who he could teach to play soldiers and build forts with bed sheets and do all the other things Susan was too boring to do.

In Peter's arms, Edmund was far removed from the tiny baby he had once been, but compared to the man he had been that very morning, he appeared about as fragile. In sleep, all the sadness had fallen away from Edmunds face, leaving him looking peaceful and to Peter, breathtaking.

"I'll always love you, always. Don't ever doubt that." Peter carried on although he knew Edmund was long asleep.

The soothing words continued until Peter could keep his eyes open no longer and both boys were deep in realms of the unconscious, submerged in memories of a time when things had seemed far less complicated.


	2. Chapter Two

_AN: italics will be used to signify character thoughts_

_Chapter Two:_

The light flooded through the antique windows, illuminating the room with a clean, yellow tinted glow. Edmund, still half in the land of sleep, rolled across the small bed, arms searching for the warm body next to him. When all his skin brushed against was cool, crisp sheets, the haze of dreamlike bliss that enveloped him disappeared, leaving him staring wide eyed around the room as yesterday's events came roaring back. He curled up in the sheets they had shared the night before and rubbed them across his face, breathing in Peter's familiar sent.

_He's left without waking me up;_ he thought dejectedly, _he's serious about ending things. I was sure he'd change his mind when we woke up; I thought he'd realize he can't live like we did before, that we need each other._

Pulling the now tear soaked cover above his head, Edmund thought about before Narnia. He thought back to before the wardrobe, the White Witch and Aslan.

Edmund had looked up to Peter as long as he could remember. Growing up, Peter had set the standard for Edmund, what he should aspire to be like. He taught Edmund everything from how to climb a tree to how to tie his tie for Sunday school. They played together none stop and Peter never shouted or got bored when it took Edmund a little longer than it did for him.

Everyone lavished their attention upon Peter, the golden boy with the winning smile and angelic blue eyes. They always commented on how much he cared for his brother and how lucky Edmund was that Peter wanted to spend so much time with him. But Edmund never minded living in Peters shadow, he felt lucky that he had the chance to. He knew the grownups were right and he was terribly lucky to have any time with Peter at all. After all he was mousey with brown eyes and a smile that sloped slightly to one side and he never could quite make his words come out as well as Peter could, never quite make all the grown up ladies fuss around him, ooing and awhhing and saying he was going to be a heart breaker when he grew up.

Wrapped in his brother's disguarded sheets, Edmund once again felt like the small boy he had once been, lucky to have had any time at all with Peter. He pulled the sheets tighter around his body and closed his eyes, praying to Aslan he would wake up in Narnia.

Downstairs, Peter sat with his siblings, eating breakfast and talking over their return to England. He had left Edmund sleeping and climbed silently out of bed in the early hours of the morning, hoping the fresh country air would clear his mind and give him a clear perceptive on the situation.

_Last night was a mistake_ ,he thought to himself, _and a dangerous one too. He can't see that there's any regret in me. I need to make him think that I don't want him, or he'll carry on and carry on, wearing me down until I relent. He'll never see the danger of us being together here. I've got to convince him I don't love him, don't want him. He deserves better than me, someone he can love and be proud to love. Someone he can show off to the world. And he needs to move on to be able to do that and I can give him that much._

So that morning over cream tea and raspberry jam smeared crumpets, Peter set the wheels of his plan in motion.

"Really I think the best thing we can do is try and go back to the way were before we left, if we all start acting radically different over night someone's going to get suspicious. I mean we can probably get away with changing a bit over the course of our time here, so Ed doesn't have to go back to being so obstinate all the time but we discussed it last night and we both think it's best if we put what happened between us in Narnia behind us and start again" He said in a confident tone, smiling as though that was what he really wanted.

Susan muttered something under her breath that sounded to Lucy a lot like finally and carried on eating her breakfast, looking completely apathetic but Peter carried on with his speech, filling it with as much conviction as he could muster.

"I mean we both agreed on it, in fact it was more his choice than mine and you know what Ed's like, once he's made his mind up there's no turning back" He laughed as though the loss of his soul mate was a real joke of a topic, "I think it's best if we don't discuss it between ourselves either. It's not really something we need reminding of is it?"

At that moment they heard a stifled sob at the door way to the kitchen and all three looked up to see their brother, still in his pajamas, hair ruffled lightly still from sleep, standing there. He stared at both his sisters and his brother, unable to process what he just heard his brother say. _Surely,_ he thought, _I must be mistaken. Peter would never be that cruel as to announce a lie like that to our sisters, a lie about something that precious._

He studied Peter's hard, unmoving face. He'd never seen him look so blank before, so emotionless.

"Pete…" He said, the words coming out in a childish whine, "I don't understand".

"I'll talk to you later Ed, I'm busy and I thought we'd said everything that needed saying last night".

Instead of pleading or begging or crying, Edmund turned and ran as fast as he could away from Peter and the girls and his humiliation. He ran until his chest tightened and breath came in pants. He ran until he could no longer see for tears.

Susan stood up and looking Peter square in the eye said "This one's all yours, I'm not sorting out another one of your messes for you", and left without a second glance, slamming the heavy oak door into the wall as she left.

Peter sat with his head in his hands, wondering how he was ever going to look his brother in the eye again. _I guess it's stupid to think we can ever have any sort of relationship now as brothers_, he thought. _Still its better he hate me than spend his life being persecuted for loving me. _He'd all but forgotten about Lucy until she piped up, breaking him from his thoughts.

"How could you Peter?" She exclaimed, throwing her arms in the air in frustration, "Of all the pathetic, dastardly, lowlife things you could have done this has to be the worst. Did you even look at his face? I mean really look at it? There is no way you can tell me that was a unanimous decision! He had no idea that was coming. He's absolutely bereft, I could tell just by looking at him. And if I could tell then so could you. You know him better than anybody. You love him more than I've ever seen anyone love before Peter. Why are you doing this, just why?"

"Lu, there's really no point in explaining, you're too young to understand" he said flippantly, as if she was taking up far too much of his precious time.

"Too young? Too young? I'm twenty five Peter. I might not look it anymore but it doesn't make it any less true. You can't go back to treating me like a child. Don't tell me fifteen years in Narnia are going to be worth nothing now you're back. I never thought for a moment that you'd regress into the same hot headed, egotistical boy that walked through that wardrobe. The boy who drove our brother, the love of your life for Christ's sake, to go running to the White Witch with his arrogance and self importance. But clearly you're proving me wrong. I swear Peter if anything happens to him because of this, because of you, I will never forgive you. He's been through enough without you deserting him"

"For God's sake Lucy, calm down. Ed's fine, I promise you he'll be fine. And no one's regressing anywhere, clearly you're a bit worked up about coming back and maybe you should sleep it off. Edmunds a big boy Lucy and I'm pretty sure, in fact I know he can take care of himself"

"Don't you dare patronize me, Peter Pevensie. You're not the High King here and you certainly can't talk to me as though I'm beneath you. I know behind all your apathy and your denial that you're evading something. And I know that you don't believe a word that's coming out of your own mouth. You and Edmund made me see past the fact you're brothers, my brothers. You made me realize that the norms and values I was raised in aren't set rules to live by, that love is love, who ever it's between. So I know for a fact that all that can't have changed overnight. You can't go to bed loving someone and wake up not caring. The world doesn't work like that Peter and if for a second you think I'm going to believe your lies, then I must have seriously over estimated your intelligence."

Lucy looked hard at Peter, trying to find some sign her words had made an impact on him. But he looked as set in his ways as he did when she began and Lucy left the kitchen fearing she had spoken in vain.

Edmund sat on the corner of Peters bed, waiting for his older brother to come back. After he'd run from the kitchen he had no idea where else to go. The only person in the world that he wanted was the person he was running from. In resignation he had slowly clambered the stone steps to Peter's room, knowing he would never be strong enough to stay away.

The room looked exactly as it had that morning, bed covers flung back from Edmunds hasty exit. He didn't bother getting comfortable, knowing that as soon as his brother arrived he'd be forced to leave. He just wanted to see his brother, wanted to hear his voice, listen for some sign that this was all going to blow over.

_It's got to end soon_ his thoughts said on repeat, _There's no way he can go back on a life time of loving and caring in less than twenty four hours. It's just preposterous. He might be impulsive but this isn't possible. No one changes there mind, never mind their feelings that quickly._

As an older man, Edmund would have been able to hold his composure, stay out of Peter's way until he came around, but after being thrown back into the hormone riddled body of his thirteen year old self, he was finding keeping his emotions in check a very difficult task indeed. He sat at the bottom corner of Peter's bed and sobbed until his eyes were swollen and his throat was raw.

Whenever Edmund was upset, he always ran to Peter. There was never anybody else he'd rather turn to. Peter would scoop Edmund up in his arms and hold him until he'd calmed down, he'd talk to Edmund, try and sort out why he was upset and try to fix it. When the older boys at school had pinned Edmund down in the play ground and punched and kicked him till he was black and blue, Peter had carried his brother home (despite him only being a few inches shorter), cleaned up all the cuts and bruises they'd left and held him as close as he could until he'd fallen asleep, safe in his brothers arms.

When Edmund was ten and Peter was twelve it was decided by their parents that Peter was to attend boarding school that September, as would all the Pevensie siblings when they reached Peters age. It was announced over the dinner table on a Sunday afternoon after church. Susan sat next to their mother, discussing the ladies of the congregations choice of dress that afternoon, Lucy sat next to her farther, staring out of the window, lost in her own dream world, and Peter and Edmund sat together in the centre, paying no attention to anyone else but each other, entirely consumed in their conversation. It was sold to them as good news, paving the way for university and brilliant, high flying jobs for the boys and marriages into polite society for the girls. And this was, for the most part, the reasoning behind the decision. But in the back of both the boy's parent's mind, it had become apparent that they were spending a lot of time together, maybe too much time together and that maybe a few years apart might do them both some good.

Susan was elated, dreams of Dukes and Lords and Viscounts all jostling for her attention danced through her imagination. Lucy wasn't all too sold on the idea of marrying well but like the idea of going out into the countryside to school instead of boring old Finchley. The two chattered loudly with their parents about how exciting it was whilst they in return heard stories of beautiful old building, enchanted courtyards and a uniform that wasn't all together like a sack.

Throughout the whole conversation, Edmund and Peter remained silent, both unable to comprehend the idea of separation. As soon as dinner was over both boys asked to be excused and both ran up the stairs and into the bedroom they shared. Although the Pevensies were a relatively well off family and had more than enough bedrooms to accommodate their large family, the boys still shared a room. On the morning after Edmund had been brought home from the hospital, their parents walked into the nursery to find Peter, wrapped up in his blanket, asleep on the floor. When asked what he was doing he said he was "Checking on Edmund". This continued for months until finally the crib was moved into Peter's bedroom. When Edmund out grew the crib, their parents moved him into a bedroom of his own, one with a bed for him. But on the first night, awoke to banging and shuffling coming from Peter's room. They found their youngest son trying to climb into his brother's bed. Since that night they had slept together. Although they had they had two separate beds, if anyone would have looked hard enough, in the morning the creases in Edmunds bed looked forced as though someone was trying to give the impression someone slept there.

Entering their room, Peter flopped down on his bed, at a loss for what to do. _I can't leave Ed_, he thought, _he's my brother, my best friend, and I spend my life with him._

Edmund followed Peter into the bedroom and onto the bed. He cuddled into his older brother, sniffling into his shirt as he spoke.

"I don't want you to go Pete, I need you", he half sobbed.

"I know, I need you too", Peter sighed, stroking his brother's hair, "I suppose it'll only be for term time and then you'll be going too".

"But I can't sleep without you and I'll have no one to talk to and no one to play with and no one to hug when I'm sad"

"I'm going to miss you so much Ed"

And then Edmund did something that in a different context was quite normal for the brothers, he kissed Peter. It was quite usual for one of the brother to give each other, shy but loving kisses on the cheek and forehead. It was something they had always done and thought nothing of. But this was different, instead of pressing his lips to his brothers cheek, he pressed them against the older boys own lips. For a second neither boy moved, both too caught up in the moment to do anything. But as Peters thoughts stopped swirling and the reality of what was happening hit him, he began to panic. He pushed his younger brother away roughly.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" He exclaimed loudly,

Edmund blushed and looked down at the floor, mumbling an answer that Peter couldn't quite hear.

"I said what the hell do you think you're doing? You bloody answer me Edmund"

"I said I was kissing you"

"Where the hell did you get an idea like that!"

"I love you Peter..."

"Not like that you don't, it's wrong Ed. It's disgusting"

"But Peter, I do love you"

"Forget it; I really don't want to hear this. You can talk to me when you're not being ridiculous".

When Peter left the room that evening, things changed in the Pevensie house hold. There were no more cuddles and giggles shared between the two brothers and if someone had looked very carefully, it was clear both beds had been slept in.

Peter had, in a bid to clear his head, taken off on the old cart pulling horse in the professors stable and rode around the estate until long after night fall. The lurching, jolting feeling of the horse under him and the cool wind sending tickling fingers through his hair and across his face felt just like Narnia. As he rode as fast as the old mare could take him, the past couple of days felt like a vivid but distant nightmare, one he had long since woke up from. Riding back to the mansion felt much like riding back to Cair Paravel in the cool summer nights of his rein, galloping down the green bordered pathways to the stables and quickly dismounting, in rush to get inside, upstairs and to his beloved.

But tonight, after clambering off his less than royal horse, Peter was in no hurry to get to bed. He ascended the stairs slowly, hoping the noise of his hesitant foot steps against the stone steps wouldn't wake any of his siblings. The thought of climbing into an empty bed for the first time in years was daunting and he was in no hurry to arrive at his bedroom door.

After feeling like he'd prolonged the inevitable for long enough, Peter wearily pushed open his bedroom door to find he was wrong about the empty bed. Fast asleep and still fully clothed, his brother lay on top of the sheets, clearly growing tired and nodding off whilst waiting for him. In sleep his face looked even younger, completely free from all worry. His raven black hair lay dishevelled across the pillow and his lips were slightly parted. Peter stood for what felt like an age staring at his brother, willing himself to do what he felt he needed to do. This would not be the first time Peter would lie to his brother, berate him for feelings he also shared and like the first time, he felt sick to his stomach.

When Edmund had pressed his lips against Peters for the first time in their old bedroom, Peter had shouted at him. He had told him it was disgusting to kiss your own brother, to love your own brother like that. He had stormed out leaving Edmund humiliated and rejected. Yet what had really scared Peter were not his brother's misplaced affections for him, but the feeling of rightness that coursed through his body the moment his brothers lips met his. It had all started a couple of year's back, around the time he was Edmunds age, when Peter started thinking about people in that way, and noticing just how pretty his younger brother really was. He had tried to put it to the back of his mind but as soon as Edmund had kissed him, the walls he had carefully built up around his feelings for his brother came crashing down. So he did the only thing he could, made Edmund so embarrassed about his actions that he'd never repeat them whilst simultaneously disguising his own feelings under a blanket of revulsion.


	3. Chapter Three

_AN: __Sorry it's taken so long to update, unforeseen personal circumstances have gotten in the way of writing this. But I've tried to channel what I've been feeling over the last few weeks into this fic and it has been hugely therapeutic. I hope you enjoy and reviews would be lovely._

_Chapter Three:_

Peter stood on the threshold of his room for what felt like an eternity before slowly creeping up to the bed. He didn't have it in him to wake his brother roughly when he looked so at peace. He knew that he was going to hurt his brother, more than hurt him, make him doubt his entire existence but there was no sense in being any harsher than he had to be. Gently he shook his brothers shoulders whilst whispering "Wake up Ed, you need to wake up"

Slowly his brother's eyes opened, first bleary and confused then after adjusting to consciousness, guarded and worried. He sat up and beat the creases out of his shirt and trousers, trying to look at least half respectable, as if looking so would make Peter show him a little respect.

"We need to talk" He said, trying to sound older and more assertive.

"You're right, we do" Peter replied, almost looking past his younger brother, "You shouldn't have had to find out like that but that doesn't change what I said. There's no way I can continue this, not here, not as things are".

"But you lied, Pete, you lied. Why did you tell them I wanted this too? It's not fair; they should know this is all down to you. You can't lump half the blame on me just because you don't want to seem like the villain. I never thought you'd be so under handed. I thought I knew you inside out, knew everything about you. But obviously there's parts of your personality you've kept buried all this time, parts which are despicable and honourless."

"I only told them that to make things easier for them. I didn't think they needed to know the real reason" Peter said, wincing as he knew what he had to do next.

"What 'real reason'? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Look Ed, in Narnia things were different. Really there was only me, you and the girls who weren't creatures and in circumstances like that when you only really have three options to choose from and you're young and your hormones are racing and you're all set to fall in love, falling in love with your brother seems logical and you can pretty much convince yourself that you're doing it because you do truly love him and you can make feelings that you had before seem more important, more romantic than they were. But here in England, where I have a choice, a real choice and I can pretty much have anyone I want, why would I pick my thirteen year old brother? I mean really, at least in Narnia you were older, it was more acceptable but god Ed, you're a child and it would be disgusting to be carrying on with you when you look like that. You're just not attractive to me and seen as I now can pick who I like, why would I pick someone who I would find repulsive to touch?"

As he let the tirade of word fly from his mouth, not pausing once for fear he would break and take it all back, he never looked at his brother. He just let the vile falsities pour out of him, the belief that this would do his brother a favour in the long run spurring him on and easing his guilt.

Edmund watched his brother deliver his explanation, each word feeling like it would be the last he heard, feeling like his brother was kicking him in the stomach and this one might just be the death blow. He kept waiting and waiting for his brother to stop, to take it all back, to apologise, to laugh and say it was a goddamn joke, anything, just anything other than mean it.

"Peter..." Edmund whispered, not trusting himself not to cry. "Peter, please look at me. Do I disgust you that much that you can't even look at me?"

_Do I disgust you so much that you can't even look at me?_ The phrase wouldn't stop, playing in a continuous loop, all the hurt he had put on his brother summed up in one line.

Peter finally looked up at his brother, seeing for the first time what he had done, what he had caused. Edmunds eyes were hollow, fixed in a ten thousand yard stare, tears smattering down his cheeks. His lips were pressed tightly together, trying and failing to suppress the sobs rising through his chest. Looking at him, Peter saw the boy who had climbed into his tent before the battle of Beruna, nightmares of the witch he must face in morning, the witch who nearly cost him his life plaguing his dreams.

When Peter first heard about Narnia in Lucy's farfetched descriptions of a snow covered land trapped behind the doors of a wardrobe where friendly half goat creatures took you home for tea and sardines , he of course, being a boy of complete logic, wasn't about to believe her. He'd felt more guilty than any of them when all four Pevensie siblings tumbled out onto the frozen ground. But more than guilt, he felt anger, anger towards his young brother who for some reason couldn't treat anyone with any respect.

"You lying little rat", Peter said with nothing but contempt ringing in his voice. "You knew about this place and you let us think it was a lie, let us tell Lucy off for making up stories. Of all the disgusting things you've done Edmund Pevensie this is by far the worst. Lucy looks up to you and for some unknown reason loves you and wants to spend time with you and this is how you repay her, by making her look like a fool? Sometimes I seriously doubt that you're a Pevensie at all. How could Mother and Farther be responsible for you? You are a disgrace. A complete and utter disgrace".

Edmund had stared at Peter, not moving or saying a word, just staring, and Peter for the first time in his life felt he might hit his brother if he didn't at least say sorry, or say something.

He turned his head to look at Lucy, cheeks bright red from what Peter thought must be embarrassment and said "I'm sorry Luce"

"It's alright" she said with a slight smile on her face. "Some little children just don't know when to stop pretending".

Peter laughed, as did Susan at Lucy parroting Edmunds earlier line, neither looked to see if Edmund laughed, neither really cared.

Peter rummaged in the back of the wardrobe for coats for the four of them to wear as the shorts and dresses they wore in the English summer time were a little bit more than inadequate right now. As Peter picked out the coats, he let his spiteful side win out. He found four almost identical thick caramel brown fur coats, all slightly different sizes, two small enough to fit the youngest members of the family a little better. He grabbed each coat one by one from the large wooden hangers but hesitated when reaching for the forth. Instead of choosing the last brown coat for Edmund, he picked a rather extravagant and coat in white, grey and black with a large, plush collar and much longer the fur than the rest that was quite obviously designed for a girl.

He put his own coat on then passed the others out, watching as his sisters put on their coats with no complaint. They looked like they were wearing a uniform, all the same, a family. He then handed Edmund his coat with a stiff and dismissive gesture.

Peter watched with a satisfied smirk as Edmund examined the coat he had been given, glancing over at his sisters, back to Peter, and then finally back to the coat in his hand. He looked up at Peter, displeasure painted all over his face. "But this is a girls coat" He said, looking much more upset than that simple fact should warrant.

"I know" Peter said, his voice saturated with his obvious pleasure at upsetting his brother. He wasn't a nasty person, not someone who went out of their way to hurt others, but there was just something about his brother that really got under his skin, made him feel sick. He looked, once more at his brother who had begrudgingly put the coat on, trying desperately not to notice how the white coat with the black tipped fur matched his brothers raven hair and ivory white skin perfectly, making him looking like one of those aristocratic ladies Peter had seen in paintings on the many trips into the big city his family had taken him on, and stopping his brain before it could make a connection between Edmunds beauty and Peter distain for him.

Edmund ran from Peter bedroom without a second glance, he had heard all he could take. His small feet pounded against the wooden floor of the old hall way with such a force that he was sure he'd have bruises the next day. Although it was the middle of the night, Edmund had no desire to get into bed. All notion of sleep had been shattered by the revelation Peter had dropped on him tonight.

_It was all one, huge, disgusting lie_, Edmund thought bitterly to himself, _something he cobbled together in the hope of getting a good fuck every other night. He manipulated me, made me love him and then used me. He used me to fill his empty bed at night, to hold him when he was lonely, to make him feel good about himself, to give him endless support, so he could have my body whenever he wanted. He was my everything, I had nothing else in this world or the next but I didn't mind, I had him and that was more than enough to compensate. I didn't need anything else. _

He remembered sitting on Peter's balcony in Cair Paravel, gazing at the stars and lazily stroking his sometimes brother, sometimes lovers arm.

"I need a hobby" He said, absentmindedly. "I never seem to do anything at all anymore".

"You don't need a hobby" Peter had said, looking a little concerned. "I'm your hobby".

Tears streamed down his face as he walked into the moonlight bathed garden, looking for a place to curl up and hide.

"You're my hobby are you Peter? You're my fucking hobby? You took everything from me, you filthy bastard, everything! I had a life before you, a shitty one but at least was mine. And now all I have is you and you don't want me so I have nothing. You've taken everything from me you greedy cunt, I hate you!" he screamed into the night, half of hoping Peter heard everything, and hoping it at least stung a little.

He carried on walking up the vast, luscious lawns and into the woods that in another life time would have provided for endless games of hide and seek. Tonight he was looking to play his own version of hide and seek except this time he was pretty certain no one would find him.

When he'd climbed out the beavers damn on his second visit to Narnia, placing each foot with more precision that anything he'd ever done before in his life, so worried about making a sound, he was feeling nothing but anger at his older brother. Even though the wind bit his exposed flesh and violent shivers ripped through his delicate frame, there was no way in hell he would have brought the abomination of a coat that Peter had given him. Edmund had known there was more to it than simply humiliating him by making him wear a girl's coat. No it was much more than that; Peter had made Edmund the odd one out, made him look like a stranger, not part of the Pevensie clan. Until that moment Edmund had been having reservations, second thoughts, doubts as to whether or not he really wanted to take his siblings to the witch. After all, when he really thought about it she had done a pretty terrible thing to that faun Lucy liked so much and he didn't think he really wanted to cause any upset by splitting everyone up, they'd all only worry about him. But when Peter gave him the coat it became obvious he wasn't a part of the family anymore and that they all saw themselves as better off without him, he was just extra baggage weighing them down.

What hurt Edmund the most as he trampled through the snow, water sloshing in his shoes and sending the tips of his toes numb, was how much he had loved Peter. He had thought that nothing he could have done would have turned Peter away from him, that Peters love was completely unconditional. He never would have thought pressing his lips to his brothers would have caused this great chasm to open up between them, leaving them marooned on separate sides, unable to bridge the distance. Still, years on Edmund couldn't work out why Peter had acted the way he had. Of course he knew normal brothers didn't kiss but normal brothers also didn't share a bed, or spend all their time together or hold each other for hours. No brothers he'd heard of ever did that, but him and Peter did. And according to Peter that was fine. And he had meant it when he told Peter he loved him, he loved him very much. Whenever the boys in his class would talk about pretty girls they knew and wonder in awe what it would be like to kiss them one day, Edmund would always find his mind wandering back to his older brothers tanned, smiling face and tousled blonde hair that looked to Edmund like a halo and wonder what it might be like to kiss him.

Just like he had all that time ago, Edmund ran through the cold night away from his family and everything that he knew. Only this time he didn't have the promise of a warm castle, a comfortable throne and all the Turkish delight he could eat. All he had was a desire to escape Peter, a desire strong enough to subdue the ache in his legs and the burn in his throat. All he wanted to do was find somewhere to curl up and hide. Hide from Peter and his cruel words, hide from the sympathetic stares of his sisters, hide from his life, and let the night swallow him.

As his feet hit the ground in a rhythmical beating, all he could think was _I wish I didn't exist, I wish I didn't exist, I wish I didn't exist, _over and over like a mantra, a holy hymn that if he repeated often enough Aslan might listen. It wasn't enough for him to wish to be dead, because even if he was dead he'd still be suffering in some or another he was sure. No he wanted never to have been born so he would never have met Peter and never loved him and never lost him. His whole life wasn't worth this pain.

Back in the house, Peter sat swaddled in thick blankets to try and drive out the cold he felt clamped around his heart. His chest felt tight and his breath was coming in short burst. He felt as though there wasn't enough air in the room and he was gasping and gasping, slowly drowning on his own cruel words. He'd heard his brother's outburst in the court yard and knew he fully deserved it. He had never been called a cunt in his life but right now he didn't doubt that it was the word that summed him up best. He knew he should be out there looking for his brother, bringing him home, wrapping him in the quilts he was now using and kissing his beautiful lips, telling him he was sorry and that he simply adored him. But he didn't, he stayed put, waiting for Edmund to come back, all cold and tired and worn out and beg him to let him climb into bed.

Edmunds pace had slowed to a walk, each foot groping clumsily in front of him, as he searched for a shelter to rest. The weariness had long since set in and he was too far gone to turn back now. Despite the dogging tiredness that consumed him, he didn't regret running. Running was all that kept him from slamming his fists against Peter's door in the middle of the night when he woke up and turned round, expecting his slumber filled arms to be rewarded with the soft, warm flesh of another body and instead found the cold, smooth, un slept in sheets that adorned the now surplus side of his bed. He knew he'd scream that he didn't care that Peter didn't love him, had never loved him, didn't care if Peter wouldn't look at him, never mind touch him, that all he wanted was to sleep next to him, to feel the heat of his body radiating from the other side of the bed, to be gently lulled to sleep by the steady, homely sound of Peters breathing. He knew he couldn't stay and maintain his dignity.

In the sparse moonlight that filtered down through the interlacing pattern of the canopy, Edmund saw his salvation. An old, weathered oak stood ten paces ahead of him, covered in moss and illuminated, like a spotlight on stage, by a clear and straight beam of light, as though some divine intervention had taken place and saved Edmund from the numbing cold. In the stream of light, he could see a split in the bark of the tree, just large enough for a fox or a deer or a small boy to climb inside. Knowing he could carry on his doomed pilgrimage all night and find no where better to rest his travel heavy feet and thought burdened mind, he climbed into the giant circumference of the tree, for the first time being grateful for his lithe, adolescent form, and curled up into a small ball, all bone and ice, as though he were the foetus in the great old womb of the weather beaten tree, hoping to grow into someone strong enough to survive this.


	4. Chapter Four

_Chapter Four:_

Peter awoke from his slumber to find his Susan frantically shaking his shoulders shouting "Peter, for Christ's sake wake up". He glazed up at her, still clouded in sleep and feeling slightly angry that he was being awoken from such a nice dream. He'd always been the same, from being a tiny toddler to High King of Narnia, spending all day sleeping and being notoriously hard to wake up.

"Come on, wake up! Ed's missing and we need to look for him. Don't pretend you don't care Peter".

At that Peter pulled himself into a sitting position and looked aghast at Susan as the events of last night rolled through his brain. He thought Edmund would have come home. He thought he would have let off some steam, shouted, ran about and knowing Edmund kicked something, but he didn't think he'd stay out all night. Even though they were in the height of summer, it didn't change the fact they still lived in England and the temperature dropped at night and Peter knew this. He knew that if Edmund had slept outside he'd be in a sorry state when they found him.

"What do you mean he's missing?" Peter stammered, trying to sound as confused as he knew he should be.

"Don't act all innocent with me, I heard him last night, shouting and swearing something awful outside and I'm pretty sure it had something to do with you".

"Oh that..."

"Yes that, care to elaborate?"

"Well he came in here and we had a bit of an argument, but honestly Susan, it wasn't that bad and I really didn't think something like that would make him take off like this"

Susan looked at Peter sceptically but didn't say anything more about the issue. She had learnt over the years that the boys' relationship was something she was better staying out of. She had never fully understood how two men, let alone two brothers could proclaim to be so in love and despite the worry and compassion that she felt for Edmund, there was a tiny voice in the back of her head saying _this is what happens when people give into unnatural urges, they end up ruined_.

"Look, none of this really matters right now. Edmunds off in the grounds somewhere probably dying of hyperthermia and all you can do is stand here and gossip about why. Maybe it'd be more productive to actually go look for him instead of standing and speculating?"

Susan gave Peter one last look of contempt before leaving the room, slamming the door behind her. Peter put his head in his hands and chastised himself for behaving so awfully to his sister. It seemed as though all he knew how to do was alienate people. He had pretty much guaranteed that he and Edmund would never be able to get past this and now he was moving onto his sister. As if one family member not being able to bare the sight of you wasn't enough, so he threw another in for good measure.

He threw on the first thing he found and ran out of the door and down the old stone staircase in the centre of the house, headed for the kitchen where he was sure his sisters were waiting for him as they did every morning. He was running with such force that every time he slammed his foot against the hard steps, a sound like a gunshot bounced off the walls, making the old country home seem like the location for a great battle.

His sisters sat, already dressed and wearing coats and boots, at opposite side of the large, worn table. Neither said a word as he entered. Lucy's face was twisted into a mask of disgust, and Peter knew she was under no illusions over why Edmund was missing.

"How did you know he'd not come back?" Peter asked curiously.

"I heard him kicking off outside last night and knew he'd still be upset this morning as it's Edmund and you know what he's like, things really stick with him", Lucy said, eyeing Peter as she said this, enjoying his guilty expression. "So I called by his room this morning when everyone else was just getting up, hoping to have a few moments to talk with him, see what's wrong and try and sort it out, but he wasn't there. The bed had clearly not been slept in and his coat was still hung up so he's been out there with nothing all night".

"We've got to find him" Peter said, full of urgency.

"Of course we have. Peter and I will go and search the grounds and Susan you wait here so that if he does come back he won't find an empty house".

Usually Susan would object to being pushed out but she knew that Lucy wanted to get Peter on his own and get to the bottom of this and as much as Susan wanted to be out there, searching for her brother too, bringing him home, she knew that Lucy was probably the only person who could sort something like this. Back in Narnia, Lucy had been renowned for her powers of reasoning and often found herself sorting out all sorts of troubles that her subjects were unable to conclude. And if Edmund did come home, Susan knew he would need someone there to talk too and as much as she didn't really like or understand what was going on between her brothers, it never stopped her caring for them or wanting what was best for them.

As soon as Peter and Lucy were a good distance from the house Lucy started her attempt at fixing her brothers broken relationship.

"I'm not going to pretend I'm not angry with you, because I am angry, but I do care about you as well and something's telling me that you're not telling anyone the whole story. I knew when you gave your speech in the kitchen yesterday that you were hiding something and now I think I have my proof. Edmund doesn't want this at all, that's why he's run off. And judging by how you're acting right now, you don't want this either. So why are you doing this? It doesn't make any sense"

"I don't think there's much point discussing it, I've made my mind up and this thing me and Edmund had going is coming to an end".

"This thing Peter? This thing? This thing was your whole life. I've never seen two people more in love. You would never have given him up, I'm sure of it. You've pretty much not let him leave your side since we got him back from the witch for fear someone would harm him and now you're the ones who's harming him. Peter you owe me an explanation, I've fought tooth and nail alongside you for years to get people to understand".

"Alright" Peter sighed, taking a deep breath. "It's not that I don't want him, far from it. I love him as much now as I ever have. But Lucy this isn't Narnia, this is England. You know what happens to people like Edmund and I. You've seen it first hand at school, we all have. And in Narnia we were kings and we lived in the little bubble of Cair Paravel so we never really had to face any opposition. It was our country and if we wanted to make it legal then we could. But here we've got no protection and people won't be so understanding. I could go to prison for being with him and Edmund would be taken away. There'd just be far too much mess."

"Oh Peter" Lucy gasped, throwing her arms around her older brothers neck. "You're always to noble and selfless, thinking of how you can protect everyone even if it makes you unhappy. I should have known it was something like this. You'd never hurt Edmund if you could help it, I'm sure of it".

Lucy rubbed soothing circles on Peters back, hoping to make up for how harsh she'd had been. She knew Peter couldn't have done this to hurt Edmund and having proof of this would have made her happy had she not been faced with the dilemma of this situation before her. She had no answers for what Peter should do. She wanted her brothers back together, happy like they were in Narnia, but she also understood Peters troubles and knew that once Peter had made his mind up, especially on matters concerning the protection of his younger brother, nothing could change his mind.

As the hours went by the pair lapsed into comfortable silence, completely focused on the task ahead. It was coming up for ten in the morning and there had been no sign of Edmund at all. They pushed their way through the thick green foliage, enduring scratches and scraps as they examined the floor for foot prints. The sun had slowly begun to flitter its way down through the canopy giving much needed light and warmth. Peter jumped as Lucy bolted in the direction of a large old tree about ten meters away with a thankful look on her face. He searched the forest for something that could have given Lucy such a start but couldn't find anything, and with some hesitation and a lot of confusion, Peter followed.

Even from a distance Lucy would have recognized him. And although in England the likely hood of bumping into any other lion while roaming in the woods was pretty dismal, Lucy still prided herself on knowing the great lion at one glance. Without thinking to alert Peter she ran head first, bristling with so much excitement and enthusiasm that her small body could barely contain it. The great lion almost seemed to shimmer in the forest light and Lucy was sure he was bigger than last time she saw him. Out of all the Pevensie children, Lucy's dedication to Aslan had been the most unwavering. Never had she doubted him or his love for her. She felt elation to the point of pure ecstasy just from seeing him and could not wait to wrap her arms around his neck and wrap her fingers in his thick, cashmere like fur, but just as she had gotten within touching distance the image in front of her slowly dissolved into wisps of incandescent air that she grasped at in vain.

"Aslan" she shouted, looking around the tree he had, just a second ago, been stood under. As she searched she noticed a smallish crack running up the centre of the tree, large enough for someone to squeeze inside and on the off chance Aslan may have disappeared inside the tree, Lucy poked her head inside. What she saw wasn't the great lion in all his glory but a smallish boy of around thirteen curled up tightly in a ball on the hard floor, skin slightly blue from cold and a peaceful expression that she was unsure whether to attribute to sleep or unconsciousness.

"Peter hurry! I've found Edmund" Lucy called only to find her brother less than a step behind her. She had been so consumed with finding Aslan that she had failed to notice Peter following her without question. Peter too poked his head into the narrow gap and took in the sight before him. It all made sense to Peter now as he realised that all the running and shouting for Aslan had been the lion himself showing them where their brother was. Had it not been for Aslan, they'd have never looked inside the tree, Peter was almost sure.

"Thank you Aslan" Peter whispered with undying fervour.

Edmund was deep in the grasp of unconsciousness, his tiredness and the cold taking its toll. In his dreams he was back in Narnia at one of the many lavish balls hosted by the siblings. He watched from the edge of the dance floor as Peter danced and talked with everyone else, looking to be having the time of his life. His skin was glowing and his hair shone, he looked magnificent. Edmund stood watching in awe of the man he loved so wholly and anticipating the moment they could be alone. Time shifted and Edmund stood outside in the darken courtyard facing Peter. He felt the tears roll down his face as he heard Peter using the same old tired epitaphs of "I just need more space", "It's not your fault, I just can't deal with this right now", "I need sometime alone to really get to know myself" and worst of all "we'll just be friends". The trees looming over the court yard began to spin at an alarming rate as the stone floor beneath his feet jerked uncontrollably and he lost his balance, crashing to ground.

He opened his eyes to find himself in a dark room, unsure as to whether he was dreaming or not. The ceiling seemed to be miles above his head and the stone walls dripped with mold and stagnant water. A sturdy looking wooden door was the only way out of this hell Edmund had found himself trapped in and something told him it wasn't open. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew he'd been here before many years ago. He tried to stand up and try the door anyway, determined not to be defeated by a hunch but found he was unable to stand fully due to the iron shackle attached to his ankle, keeping him tethered in one spot. Before he had chance to struggle and try to remove the restraint, the heavy door swung open to reveal a figure that Edmund had seen in more nightmares than he cared to remember.

"There's no use trying to escape", the witched purred, in obvious delight at the boys suffering.

"Just wait until Peter finds out about this, you'll be dead" Edmund shouted at her, his sleeping mind unable to process the irrationality of the whole situation.

The witch burst into a tirade of cruel laughter.

"You think Peter's coming to save you, do you?" She jeered. "I've got news for you, its Peters doing that you're here".

"I don't understand" Edmund stammered. Why would Peter send him to the witch? It just didn't make any sense to him. Peter loved him, he really loved him.

"You are a moronic cretin, thinking he could have ever loved someone like you. Look at yourself; you're nothing in comparison to Peter. He'd had enough of you embarrassing him and decided you needed to go. I can't blame him. I can't see why anyone would want you around, you're just an all round disgrace".

And with that the witch slammed the door shut and plunged the boy into complete darkness, so dark that even his thoughts couldn't swim through the fog of nothingness.

When Edmund had first been rescued from the witches clasp, he was filled with an overwhelming sense of terror at the thought of being reunited with his family. He had missed them terribly and wanted nothing more than to throw his arms around them but he was sure after what he had done, a hug would be the last thing they wanted to give him. The country he had been so egger to sell down the river for powdered sweets flashed past him as he rode on horseback, deep in thought. He was most worried about Peter. He was always worried about Peter if he was honest with himself. Everything he did seemed to annoy his older brother and now he'd actually done something terribly wrong, he was sure Peter would never forgive him. Not that he deserved to be forgiven after what he had done, he was sure he'd never forgive himself.

He had never felt in so much awe as he did the moment he arrived in the Narnian camp. Red and gold banners where hanging from every available surface and the wind whipped them into a frenzy, creating a magnificent blur of colour swirling around him. Everywhere he looked, Edmund saw fantastical creatures emerging from sumptuous, Indian style tents, and carrying fearsome looking weapons. He couldn't believe his own eyes as he took in everything around him.

The centaur whose back he had been riding on was now approaching the largest tent in the settlement. It was set slightly apart from the rest and while it had the same red and gold colours of the other tents, this one was adorned by a large flag, wavering from the top point of the tent which bore the image of a lion. Before Edmund had chance to wonder why the flag bore the image of an animal he hadn't seen one roaming the woodlands of this strange country, his question was answered when the most majestic creature Edmund had ever seen walked out of the tent. The lion was much bigger than any he'd seen on his many trips to London zoo as small child. He stood towering over Edmund with an air of authority so strong he could barley bring himself to look upon the lion, and yet Edmund wasn't scared. Far from it, he felt a sudden rush of safety that lit his body up from the inside and gave him a hopefulness he hadn't possessed for years.

"Greetings Son of Adam, I am Aslan" The lion said in a smooth, comforting voice.

At the sound of the name Aslan, a light clicked on in Edmunds head as he remembered the time he had spent with the beavers before he had run away into the night. Aslan, the rightful ruler of Narnia. Edmund scrambled down from the centaurs back in order to show the lion the full respect he deserves and bow down.

"Come my child, we have much to talk about" The great lion said to Edmund in a tone that was neither accusatory nor sympathetic.

Peter reached his arms into the hollow in the tree and wrapped them around his brother, carefully manoeuvring him out and into the daylight. In the green tinged light Edmund looked much worse. His skin was a sea of goose bumps and his lips had turned completely blue. Peter laid his brother carefully on the ground and took his own coat off. He tried and failed to slip it over his brother's arms without waking him. Edmunds large brown eyes fluttered open and he stared at Peter for a few seconds, clearly still half dreaming.

"Why did you send me to the witch Peter?" he murmured in a slurred whisper.

Peter had no idea what his brother was referring to but felt hugely guilty despite his confusion. He picked Edmund up with little protest and started walking back to the professor's large home. Edmund fell back to sleep in his brothers arms, still mumbling about Peter sending him to the witch.


	5. Chapter Five

Chapter Five:

_AN: Sorry for the ridiculously long wait between chapters, started university in September and everything's been a mess so I've not really had time to write. Hope there's still people out there wanting to read this and if so thank you for sticking with the story. _

The walk home had been a silent affair, neither Peter nor Lucy knowing what to say to each other. Edmund laid limp in his brothers arms, swaddled in his coat which to Peter looked woefully inadequate and seemed to be doing little to stop the trembles through his delicate looking shoulders. Before Narnia, Peter had never thought of Edmund as particularly breakable but now in comparison to the man he'd been not days ago, he looked tiny and fragile, as if the slightest breeze would crack the clear porcelain of his skin. The damp grass seemed to stretch endlessly before them and every step seemed futile, taking them no closer to the old country house.

They approached the house with the sombre air of a funeral procession and Lucy pushed open the heavy wooden door as Peter brought Edmund in from the cold. Both let out a breath they didn't realise they'd been holding. He was home now, he was safe. Although no one had said it out loud, all three of the Pevensie siblings couldn't help but notice the over whelming similarities to the last time they found Edmund was missing. The same feeling of helplessness and shared blame had coursed through them, leaving them feeling every inch the children they appeared. Surely things couldn't have regressed that far backwards in such a small amount of time. Susan ran into the hall way to greet them, hearing the slam of the door resonating throughout the house, her whole being shaking with the thought that they had returned empty handed.

"Is he alright? Like really alright?" She asked in a voice breathless from the run.

"He's unconscious, we found him in the hollow of a tree, no coat and absolutely freezing. Peter put his coat round him and that seems to have helped a little"

Peter hadn't moved an inch since getting into the house, unable to form ever the simplest words of comfort for his sister, knowing he was to blame for the glassy look in her eyes and slight quiver of her lower lip. He had caused this and there seemed no way in which he could fix it.

"Don't just stand there Peter, get him up to bed. The more time you waste standing there feeling sorry for yourself, the worse he'll get". Susan's sharp voice broke the spell under which he had fallen and brought him back to reality. Edmund was lying cold in his arms and no one was helping him.

"I wasn't feeling sorry for myself; it was you who had to stand at the door step and gossip when Edmund clearly needs to be put in bed"

"Enough of this, for Christ sake", Lucy shouted, turning both her siblings attention from each other, "You both want Edmund put in bed safe and sound yet instead of doing anything about it your stood here shouting at each other. I can't believe your acting this way, both of you. You're not fifteen anymore Peter, even if you look it and Susan, don't you think Peter might be feeling just a little upset?"

"Your right Luce, were acting like children when we really should be acting our age".

Looking down at Edmunds too pale face and still blue tinged lips, Peter left the grand hall way and began the slow assent up the plush carpeted stair case, careful not to jostle the precious cargo in his arms. Lucy and Susan followed just as slowly, knowing they'd need to intervene if they ever wished to see their brothers happy again.

Edmund had followed Aslan through the rows of red and gold cloth tents and up to the very peak of the hill which over looked the camp. The air here was warm and the bitter ice that coated the rest of Narnia in a brittle film was absent, replaced by soft, dew glazed grass that looked much greener than Edmunds lawn at home. He still hadn't recovered from his initial state of overwhelming awe at the sight of the great lion, so large that his head only just came up to the shoulder of this vast beast. And although that is exactly what the lion was, a beast, somehow Edmund felt he was in the presence of some divine entity instead of an animal. Despite the lack of anger in his voice, Edmund was sure he was to be told off, worse than anything his parents could deliver. He was probably going to be sent to some awful prison for the worse and most rotten sorts there are. And he wouldn't have blamed them either, it was for the best he was kept away from people, all he did was hurt and upset them.

On his way back to camp Edmund felt enormously guilty for not remember more of the lions speech but as soon as he'd heard he was to be forgiven his brain had gone into overdrive and he was still unsure if he was relieved or not. He'd done something far too bad to go unpunished, this wasn't pulling his sister hair when their mother wasn't looking, this was the fate of a whole nation. He dragged his feet and kept his eyes downcast; _if I can't see them they can't see me_. He knew he was being childish but facing the judgmental eyes of all the fairy tale beasts was just too much for him. Lucy was the first to hug him, barrelling into him without warning and surprising him greatly. She wrapped her short arms around his middle and pressed her face to his chest in a gesture the two hadn't shared for years.

"It's so good to have you back Ed, I missed you so much. We were all so worried, especially Peter"

Before he could think about what Lucy had said, that his brother who he was sure wouldn't care where he was had truly been worried, Susan pulled him towards her, one arm around his middle and one stroking his head in a way that was comfortingly reminiscent of his mother. She pressed a light kiss to his for head and then without speaking let go of him. She hadn't needed to say a word; Edmund had felt her love and forgiveness through the soft movements of her hand in his hair. Peter was the last to approach him and even though he knew his brother would never have hugged him like his sisters had, not since they were kids, not since before, he couldn't help but hope that today might be the turning point. Peter, unlike his sisters, walked slowly towards him, his face blank and giving away no clue as to how he was feeling upon seeing Edmund. The sunlight bounced off the subtle gold highlights in his hair and he looked to Edmund like one of the paintings he'd seen in the museums on school trips of pretty boys and girls in flowing white clothes. There was no embrace or declaration of affection from Peter, just a slow smile and an off the cuff remark that he try not to wander off but that was enough.

When Edmund was wrapped tightly in as many blankets as the three Pevensies could find and laid out comfortably on his brothers bed, his chest lightly rising and falling as he slept, the silence that had befallen the three of them was abruptly broken.

"I think I'm owed an explanation to why my youngest brother is in this state, Lucy clearly knows something and I'm not being left in the dark again", Susan's defiant voice startled Peter who had been perfectly comfortable watching the way the light from the high sash windows illuminated his brothers face, fascinated by the fluttering half-moon shadows his impossibly long eyelashes made across his cheeks.

Lucy spoke before he had a chance to order his thoughts and try to format a sentence, "Now's really not the time to be discussing things like that, let's just wait until Edmund wakes up and then we'll tackle the who's and why's. Do you mind staying here with Ed whilst Peter and I go and get something to eat, we've walked pretty far this morning on an empty stomach and it's bound to take its tole"

"Fine but don't think you can weasel your way out of telling me, we shouldn't be keeping secrets from each other".

As they left the room, Peter gave Lucy a conspiratorial smile in thanks for saving him from having to explain to Susan exactly why Ed was in such a state but she poignantly ignored it and walked down to the kitchens without a single glace back to make sure Peter was following. Despite the heat of an English summer, the stone hall ways felt as though they were awash with drafts, making Peters skin prickle and goose bump. Lucy sat facing him on one of the large oak benches lined up against the heavy wooden table as he walked in the door. She motioned him to sit opposite, still without saying a word to him and the friendly smile he shot her when he sat down was met with nothing but indifference.

"I let it drop earlier as I know you've got Edmunds best intentions at heart and your just as distraught as he is over this mess you've found yourselves in but I can't let it lay any longer. I want to know exactly what you said to him to make him so distressed that he took off in the middle of the night. And I heard him shouting and swearing, saying words I don't think I've ever heard anyone use before and that can't have been caused by the same explanation you gave me. It sounded like he really thought you'd stopped caring for him".

Peter stared at his hands throughout Lucy speech, unable to meet her unwavering gaze. She had always been so perceptive and until this point Peter had always been grateful for her ability to work things out so much quicker than he ever could, but right now he couldn't do a thing but curse her for paying so much attention.

"I really don't want to get into it and besides, what me and Ed say to each other as a couple has nothing to do with any of you, it's our private business and you can't expect me to tell you".

"You've always told me everything about you and him, ever since you broke the news to me so don't act like I'm being out of order, you're only not telling me because you know you've said something awful and you're too ashamed to admit it".

Peter sighed, knowing she was right and knowing he owed her an explanation but feeling more than apprehensive about how she would receive what he had to say, he'd already alienated two of his siblings and looked as though he was about to lose a third.

"Before I tell you, you've got to understand that I tried explaining it to him like I did to you and he just wouldn't listen, and I'm doing this so he can have a normal life, can love someone who he can be proud of, can walk down the street hand in hand with and bring home and introduce to mum and dad with a big smile on his face. I knew if he thought I still loved him he'd never have that as he'd never be able to properly move on with his life so I did the only thing I could do really"

Lucy eyed Peter with a saddened expression, "You told him you didn't love him anymore? But surly he wouldn't believe that, it's the most transparent lie I've ever heard".

"I told him I only convinced myself I loved him because of a lack of better options and now I'm back here and I can have anyone I want why would I ever want him. And I didn't just leave it there; no I told him I found him unattractive now he was so much younger again. You should have seen his face, I crushed him Luce, I absolutely crushed him. When I pulled him out of the tree, he was asking why I'd sent him to the witch and I don't even know what that meant but it sounded so awful and Jesus Christ I don't know what to do. I've messed everything up. I can't be in a relationship with him as I'm not going to be responsible for ruining his life but I can't go on letting him feel like this".

"You've got to tell him the truth Pete, he can't go on thinking any of that's true. I mean what were you thinking, you know Ed, even after all this time he still doesn't feel as though he's good enough for you. He'll think his entire life has been a lie, can you imagine how that feels? He gave everything to you, every minute of every day, every thought he ever had, everything. He has to know the truth as soon as he wakes up".

"I know Luce, I know, but what am I supposed to say? I can't let him think I want him back or he'll never give up and I'll ruin his whole future just because I was too pathetic and needy to stay away but he can't go on thinking I never loved him as he's clearly miserable at best".

"I don't see why you always have to be so noble for heaven's sake! You're not high king here, you can't tell everyone what to do because you think it's in their best interests. How about letting Edmund chose if he thinks being with you is worth it. He's an adult Peter, a grown man and you're taking away his right to make a decision that not only affects his whole life, but is his whole life. How can you think that's fair?"

"No less fair than the alternative! Can you imagine what would happen when people found out and they would find out, however careful we were. They'd take Edmund away put him in a care home, tell everyone he's been abused and everyone would treat him like a victim and even if he said he had wanted it they'd tell him I brainwashed him. And they'd put me in prison Luce, I'm sure of it. I'm his older brother, I'm meant to look out for him, protect him, not fuck him. And mum and dad, imagine what it'd do to them! There's no way I can risk that Lucy, no way. It's not just my future I could destroy, it's all of ours. I can't do that, I really can't".

Lucy didn't respond, she knew when she was fighting a losing battle and Peter had always been so stubborn, never backing down once he had an idea fixed in his head, and this one was well and truly lodged in there. He'd clearly spent a long time thing about it, much longer than the few days they'd been back in England. All Lucy could do was reach across the table and squeeze his hand reassuringly, knowing there was no comfort she could give him.

As night had fallen across the camp, Edmund had been pretty sure he was fully forgiven by everyone he'd met so far. He'd been taken on a tour of the surrounding area's by a centaur who Edmund still couldn't believe was real, it was like walking into one of Lucy silly fairy stories. They wandered round the many tents, Edmund learning just how many creatures lived in this great land, and following the dusty path that lead through the centre of the settlement, ending up sat on the bank of the most beautiful river Edmund had ever seen. The water was as clear as glass and flowed gently across the pebble strewn bottom, obscured by the multitude of fish of every colour swimming downstream at a constant yet leisurely pace. At home the only river Edmund had ever really looked at with any degree of interest was the River Thames running through London on his many trips into the big city with his family and there was no comparison, the Thames had been a putrid shade of grey and the only fish he had seen had been floating on the surface, stomachs picked open by the gulls circling overhead.

"Son of Adam, forgive me for speaking out of turn, but your family seem to care for you so dearly, what was your reasoning behind turning to the witch? Again I am endless sorry if I have overstepped my place", the centaur quietly implored, breaking Edmunds peaceful reminisce.

"I suppose", Edmund began slowly, taking his time in order to phrase it just how he wanted," I stopped feeling like a member of the Pevensie family when me and Pete grew apart. We used to be joined at the hip you know, and then suddenly we never spent any time together, went out of our way to avoid each other and Peters always been so much more brilliant than I, and our sisters flocked round him and not me, and I guess I just felt like they didn't care at all"

"May I ask what caused you and your brother to become so distant?"

Edmund blushed and looked down at his hands, fearing the centaur would see he was lying.

"I can't even remember it was that long ago".

The edges of the room had a hazy feel to them and the bed felt as though it was being carried by waves across a turbulent ocean. Edmund opened his eyes slowly wondering how he'd gotten here. The last thing he remembered was crawling into the deep hollow of a tree and feeling thoroughly blessed to be out of the cold. He was sure he was far too well hidden for anyone to have found him and yet here he was in a warm bed, with a familiar striped blanket with worn patches in the corners that bore a striking resemblance to Peters. Maybe no one had found him and he'd died in that hollow, alone and cold. That could be the only explanation as Peter wouldn't have gone looking for him, never mind put him in his bed to warm up. Peter though he was disgusting and if he was honest with himself he agreed. How could he have fooled himself into thinking someone as earth shatteringly perfect as Peter could have ever loved him? He was skinny with sickly white skin and thick, messy black hair. His eyes were deep brown and in Edmunds opinion the colour of mud and he had freckles all across his nose which just made him look ridiculous. He was never very clever at school unlike Peter who was top of every class he took and he never had too many friends either, no one seemed to want to spend too much time with him. How had he ever been so stupid as to think his love for Peter could ever have been requited. It was clear now that Peter just needed the attention of someone seen as he was used to all the girls at school throwing themselves at him, telling him just how handsome he was and Edmund had stepped into that role perfectly. He spent his time making sure Peter knew just how much he adored him, just how desperately in love he was. He had never felt such a fool in all his life.

Someone cleared their throat in the corner of the room and for the first time Edmund actually looked around the room fully, taking in more than just the bed he was laying in. The room was much messier than Peter would usually allow. Clothes that were usually meticulously folded and stored neatly in draws and wardrobes were strewn across the floor along with his pyjamas which were screwed up in a lump. It looked as though he'd been in a great hurry to get ready and leave. The corner in which he had heard the noise from was home to a large wicker chair that Edmund knew Peter had done his school work for the summer in before they'd stepped through the wardrobe. Edmund never bothered to start his, not caring if he was shouted at upon his return. Now school and maths homework seemed so trivial to him, as though they belonged in a different life. Perched in the chair and watching him attentively was his sister Susan. Her usually smooth brown hair was taken up in a messy bun a top her head, loose strands hanging around her face and her huge blue eyes were rimmed red and shining with unshed tears. He wondered just what had happened to make his beautiful sister look so dishevelled and worried.

"What's wrong Sue? Has something happened?" he asked in a voice still thick from sleep.

"You ran off in the middle of the night and slept outside, on the floor, in the cold and we were all frantic not knowing where you were. Peter and Lucy searched for you for hours and when Peter carried you in you were unconscious and your lips were blue. So yes Edmund something is wrong and something has happened but no one seems to be telling me what".

"Who's not telling you what?" Edmunds head was still muddled from being asleep for so long that although he understood she was upset at him for running away, he couldn't quite work out what she was referring to.

"All three of you!" She shouted with a sweeping gesture of the arms as if to indicate how much of her world was occupied with her siblings and her care for them, "I heard you last night Ed, screaming in the courtyard about Peter and I saw his face this morning when Lucy told him you were missing. Something big's happened between you two but when I tried to ask, Lucy just fended off my question with some silly answer about it not being the time for it. The time for god damn what is all I want to know!"

"Peter told me he'd never loved me, that he was only with me as there was nothing better to do. And I couldn't just lie there feeling as though my entire life had imploded around me and my future seemed to have dissolved into a thousand snap shots of where Peter should have been whilst he slept sweet and sound, knowing he wouldn't have to wake up in the morning and tell someone he loved them when he didn't. I bet he was celebrating not ever having to roll over again and see my ugly face staring back at him, wishing I was someone else, anyone else. I wasn't just going to lie there Sue feeling like that, so I ran. I just had to get away and hide away from everything I'd just heard. I'm sorry I worried you, I guess I was being my usual selfish self, not caring what my actions do to anyone else".

Susan sat silently, listening as her brother tore himself to pieces in front of her, knowing that Peter couldn't have meant a word he'd said to Edmund last night. She had never approved of their relationship and made no secret of it, but even she could tell how much they loved each other. It was as though they'd entered their own realm of existence, separate to everyone else and lived in the little world that was just each other. Just as it was on the tip of her tongue to say this to Edmund a thought had her immediately clamping her jaw shut._ Maybe it's for the best if they break up, not everyone's as understanding as me and Lucy. If anyone were to find out, it'd be the end of both of them. And there'd be no chance of me marrying anyone of any social standing if everyone knows how sick and perverted my brothers really are. It'll be the death of my career as a socialite and a waste of all the money mum and dad paid for me to go to a good school and mix with the right sorts._

"I'm so sorry Ed, I really am. I know I never approved but that doesn't mean I wanted it to end in heartbreak for either of you. Oh I am so terribly sorry".

She crossed she small room and sat on the edge of the bed, taking Edmund into her arms, gently rocking him whist talking in a low and soothing voice.

"It was cruel of Peter to do that to you, say such an awful thing to you. And he must have known you'd react like this; he's always known just how to get a reaction out of you. Part of me things he enjoys it".

"What do'ya mean Sue?" Edmund asked in a voice muffled by the front of his sister's dress.

"Ever since you were little Peters always known how to get you to do just what he wanted. Always known what to say to get you to react in the way he wanted. And clearly he's still doing it"

"You mean he wanted to upset me?"

"Think about it, when's Peter ever done anything without first knowing the outcome, he's lead countless armies and he knows strategy, not to mention he knows you inside and out. It's the only thing that makes sense".

"What do I do then, I don't want him thinking he has any effect on me. If he doesn't love me then I'm not going to walk around giving him the satisfaction of knowing I love him".

"Act like your fine with it, like you've come to your senses after clearing your head and you've realised you're glad it's over".

The night Edmund had been returned to them, Peter set him a bed up in his tent as he couldn't bear the thought of being far away from him, not knowing where he was or if he was safe. Watching his brother walk back from the hill top after his talk with Aslan, looking for all the world like he expected to be lynched at any moment, Peter saw the boy who'd he'd spent every day of his life with, playing games and talking for hours, sharing a bed and cuddling under the covers with when the lights were off. The boy he'd pushed away and made spiteful and bitter. He'd never felt such an overwhelming urge to gather his brother up in his arms and never let him go, never let anyone touch him. But it'd had been so long since they'd been that close and now Peter was sure Edmund would rather be anywhere but in his arms.

His head was still swimming with thoughts of his brother when he felt a small tug at the edge of his blanket. He rolled over and there was Edmund, looking unbelievably vulnerable in his baggy night shirt meant for a man twice his size and his tear clumped eyelashes framing his overflowing eyes.

"What's wrong Ed?" he whispered, knowing just how thin the material of the tent was and not wanting to alert anyone else to his brothers upset, knowing how embarrassed he'd be.

"I had a nightmare about the witch finding me here and killing me in my bed and I couldn't get away from her, Pete it was so real". He was shaking and tears were still falling down his cheeks.

"Do you want to get in bed with me?" Almost as soon as he'd said it, he regretted it. There was no way Ed would want to share a bed with him.

"Yes please" came the small but distinct reply from his bedside.

Peter shuffled over, making enough room for his brother to squeeze into the narrow bed and lifted up the quilt for him. Edmund climbed in hesitantly, as if expecting to be thrown out at any time and then settled down next to him, close but not touching. Before he had thought about it, Peter encircled his brother in his arms and pulled him close so his body was flush against Edmunds.

"Don't worry Ed, I'll never let her anywhere near you again, I promise".

In a gesture which only a couple of years ago was common for the two brothers but now was as rare as the hair of a unicorn, Peter pressed his lips to Edmunds for head in a light but clearly present kiss.

Just as Peter felt himself fall into the world of sleep he could have sworn he heard his brother mumbled "I love you" sleepily into his ear.


End file.
